The Impact of Baby Loss on Relationships
Losing a baby is not only a devastating thing to experience in and of itself, but it can also have a significant impact on our relationships. From significant others to living children, in-laws and work colleagues, the chances are your baby was loved by others, and as each of those individuals move through their grief (and witness yours) in unique ways, relationships can begin to change unexpectedly. Some may not go the distance, or lose the spark that used to be shared, while others might be forged into deeper bonds.
Here are some of the ways pregnancy and baby loss can impact on our relationships:
Couples and marriages: For those who are partnered, losing a loved and wanted baby can put enormous strain on the relationship. Sometimes this happens because the partnership is very new, or already having difficulties. But sometimes, even previously very content couples find themselves struggling.
There can be many reasons, such as different ways of grieving, struggling with unprocessed trauma, or the impact on the couple's communication and intimacy.
Open and honest communication can be vital in navigating the challenges that arise, and many couples turn to therapy or bereavement services to support them at this time. It's important to remember that people, and especially men and women, grieve quite differently, and that all experiences of grief are valid and deserving of patience and understanding.
Close relatives: Following the loss of a baby, we may lean on our nearest and dearest for support. They may step up to this calling with grace and compassion. Or… they may not. Sometimes our closest relatives can flounder in the face of such heartbreak. And understandably so. They’ve also lost someone, and now they're watching someone they love dearly in deep pain. They may struggle to know what to say, say completely the wrong things, or try to act like everything’s back to normal. This can obviously bring up a lot of stuff within a family, and is not always easy to navigate. It may be that our close relations are not the people we would turn to anyway, but having lost our baby can bring new layers of grief to old losses.
Friends: So many loss parents describe with sadness and surprise, the way their friendships shifted and shuffled following the loss of a baby.
As with romantic couples, there could be so many reasons for this. A common one is that people can't always manage their discomfort when it comes to the heavy grief of an out of order death, and so avoid their friend who is grieving. They will have their reasons, and you might never discover what they are. This can be really hard if the friend was a very close one, but it's important to remember that however it comes to pass, it is not your fault. It's really hard to let things go when we've already lost so much, but in the case of friends who can't show up and stick it out when they're most needed, it's usually better to let them sail away. The chances are you’ll also notice the staunch and stoic allies who remain by your side through all of it; even when they don't know what to say, even when they are a puddle of tears too; the friends who love you fiercely and won't leave you to face this grief alone are the ones worth focusing on.
Oftentimes, loss parents discover new friends through their initiation into the baby loss community. Nobody wants to join it. But those who do can find it easier in their grief, to connect with parents who have lived through similar experiences, especially if they're feeling isolated from other friends and family who just don't seem to comprehend what's happened.
Colleagues: For many loss parents, their colleagues were some of the first to know of a new pregnancy or planned maternity leave. Whether it's just the HR manager that knows, or the whole team, conversations when dealing with time off and return to work can be difficult.
For those whose baby has died, the return to work can be a really difficult transition. The whole world has changed, and often the parent feels irrevocably changed as a person too. But our colleagues may have little awareness of the impacts we're living with. Some people find that previously friendly peers become awkward, or they start catching sideways glances from behind computer screens. Others find their workmates an incredible support; clubbing together to send flowers, taking the time to check in and share words of comfort or bring a cup of tea.
If you feel challenged by your work relationships following baby loss, see if you could discuss it with someone senior that you feel comfortable with.
Whether you are traversing the post-baby-loss landscape surrounded by lovely, supportive people, or completely alone, the chances are you will feel isolated at times either way.
The secondary losses of relationships and friendships can compound the already intense grief. Finding community can be life changing for anyone feeling the isolation of baby loss. Listening to the experiences of others can help us to feel less alone, and sharing our feelings where they might be understood and validated, can be so healing.
You can access all of this for free through the Ellie’s Gift app. We have resources, community forums, and regular Zoom support groups for anyone who’s experienced baby loss. It's hard enough as it is, please don't feel like you're all alone, because you're not. There are so many others out there walking a similar path, and when we come together to remember our babies and help each other, wonderful things can happen.
Written lovingly by Elizabeth Monaghan - Bereaved Mother